is your mom at the bar?
so that wasnt chicken after all
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
