The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
