Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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