I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
