I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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