I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
