What did we do last night that was yellow?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
