i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
tell me about the fingering
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