Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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