Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
