you would pick up someone in the library
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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