I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
