def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
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Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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