Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
