nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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