One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
