Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Randomize
