Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
