Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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