The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
