Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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