Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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