Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
