Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
