Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
