I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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