Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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