I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
