i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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