i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
