guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
