Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Randomize
