Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just google imaged poop.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There's always time for handjobs
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
