thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
