Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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