turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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