Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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