TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
