My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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