Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
