Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
