Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
