I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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