i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
please come you make the beer taste better
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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