He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
