I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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