Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
