happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
