Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
