Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
