Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
