I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
