just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
