went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
