He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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