How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
