it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
